If you do not like and/or love cats, Adele, Tokyo Pot, vinyl records, anything but regular pants at home, hot tea, frozen hot chocolate, old people, blast-your-eardrum-loud music, talking in accents, acting like a child way past the point of it being acceptable, watching hours of cat YouTube videos and Friends re-runs and talking about other people constantly, you cannot be my friend. I’m just saying. Sorry I’m not sorry. I just thought you deserved to know these things about me.
If you like and/or love fake people, acting better than me, thinking you’re the smartest person in the room, children, talking abnormally loud, acting like I don’t exist, acting like an utter idiot, taking yourself too seriously, touching my things or being mildly insane in any fashion, you also cannot be my friend.
Sometimes I think I should put people through an application process to be my friend. All people are created equal and blah blah blah, but I generally don’t like all people. In fact, it is probably a three in ten chance I actually will like you. Like I already said, sorry I’m not sorry. I was always taught that people won’t buy the ice cream truck if you’re giving out the popsicles for free. Don’t ask me how that’s relevant. If you did by some chance ask me why that was relevant I would probably say that no one will like you if you like everyone else. I know that is wildly off base, but again, sorry I’m not sorry.
What I’m trying to say is, live your own life. You are in control. If you don’t like certain people, you don’t have to deal with them. Do not be friends with them. If you think I’d be friends with someone who is a child-loving, loud-talking, idiot who thinks they are a savant, come on…. you’ve got to be kitten me right meow.