If you do not like and/or love cats, Adele, Tokyo Pot, vinyl records, anything but regular pants at home, hot tea, frozen hot chocolate, old people, blast-your-eardrum-loud music, talking in accents, acting like a child way past the point of it being acceptable, watching hours of cat YouTube videos and Friends re-runs and talking about other people constantly, you cannot be my friend. I’m just saying. Sorry I’m not sorry. I just thought you deserved to know these things about me.

If you like and/or love fake people, acting better than me, thinking you’re the smartest person in the room, children, talking abnormally loud, acting like I don’t exist, acting like an utter idiot, taking yourself too seriously, touching my things or being mildly insane in any fashion, you also cannot be my friend.

Sometimes I think I should put people through an application process to be my friend. All people are created equal and blah blah blah, but I generally don’t like all people. In fact, it is probably a three in ten chance I actually will like you. Like I already said, sorry I’m not sorry. I was always taught that people won’t buy the ice cream truck if you’re giving out the popsicles for free. Don’t ask me how that’s relevant. If you did by some chance ask me why that was relevant I would probably say that no one will like you if you like everyone else. I know that is wildly off base, but again, sorry I’m not sorry.

What I’m trying to say is, live your own life. You are in control. If you don’t like certain people, you don’t have to deal with them. Do not be friends with them. If you think I’d be friends with someone who is a child-loving, loud-talking, idiot who thinks they are a savant, come on…. you’ve got to be kitten me right meow.

I know this might sound weird, but cats are bloggers. In my opinion, they are people so it’s not surprising to me even though most of you probably think it’s crazy. I was looking up things about cats and I ran across this site called catbloggers.com.

Cat Bloggers has links to different blogs about and by cats. Yes, I did say BY cats. Although these fantastic creatures do not have opposable thumbs, their owners do. I tried this out a few weeks ago by writing a blog post for Annie. It’s said that blogging from your cat’s point of view can stretch your creativity. It also gives us an excuse to write about the thing we love most,  duh, our cats.

One of these cat blogs is about a cat whose goal is total world domination, starting with winning the next presidential election. Another is called the Zeus Excuse. In this blog Zeus, the cat, discusses the human experience and human observation. There are blogs just for black cats (there’s not one for white cats… I’m just saying), there are blogs for groups of cats to share their opinions on their lives in their houses.

When I first heard of this phenomenon I thought it was crazy, but the more I think about it, the more intriguing it is. It’s like the writer is getting to take on the alter ego of his or her cat and make up exciting stories. Seriously, if you don’t think this is awesome, you gotta be kitten me right meow.

I just want to warn you, this video may contain some expletives. Don’t take it personally, and don’t worry about your cats being offended. I’m pretty sure half of their meows are them yelling the f word at us.

I’m positive Jenna Marbles is correct about the whole zombie apocalypse theory being a joke… Cats will take over the world. Again, if I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times. You better bet your sorostitute Ugg boots that it’s going to happen. I decided to test Marbles’s theory about it not working on cats. Here’s what I found:

Lo and behold, she is correct. The theory is proven; it is now a fact. Cats will take over the world. They are too caught up in making plans to take over the world with their sophisticated mysterious ways to listen to us uncivilized humans talk… or even sing.

This is my cat Annie. She was my sister’s cat in college and now she’s my cat in college. She’s such a party animal. Oh Annie, she never wants to face the real world.

This doesn’t fully show her cuteness. As a reader of Kitten Me Right Meow, you deserve the full realm of Annie’s cuteness. Here you go.

I’m going to stop talking for Annie and let her tell you about life from her perspective.

Hi, my name is really long so I’m just going to say to call me Annie. I’m 4 years old and I love my life. I’m a college girl, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

First of all, I don’t understand why some people think they hate us. Come on guys, it’s not a competition! You can love us and dogs! I think some people like dogs better than cats because they can control them more easily. I mean, sorry I’m independent and like to live my own life. Sorry I’m self-sustaining and you don’t have to give me baths. Actually, sorry I’m not sorry.

Don’t be fooled, being a cat is no easy task. My daily life is an adventure of a lifetime and I get to live it every day. I’m such a lucky girl! I like to get up around 6 am and jump up onto this big soft thing that the big people lay on for a long time every night. I get to jump on someone (who is about 30 times my size) and wake her up! I fight giants daily. I am also an avid huntress. I will hunt down any and every being that stands in my way. Once, I stalked a bug for a full day before I chose the strategic moment to pounce!! It ended up being a little awkward because I realized this bug was actually lint, but you’re the only person I’ve ever told about that… so let’s keep that between you and me :)

Being a cat is a fantastic way to live your life. If you have never been one nor acted like one for a full day, I suggest you add that to your bucket list. Don’t worry if you don’t have time to add it, we will rule the world one day and you will have no choice but to participate. I forgot to say the most important part… If you think you’re one of those who hate use, we just like to be loved and cuddled with. Come on, you gotta be kitten me right meow.

I know I like to joke around and make fun of sorostitutes even though I’m pretty sure I am one, but this is for real. I love the local Humane Society, and I love I have to spend at least five hours there every semester because of my sorority.

This is Keegan, he is one of the most chill and laid back cats I have ever seen. He is big orange and only 6 months old.

The Stillwater Humane Society is one of the greatest things. It saves animals that are about to be put to sleep at the animal shelter next door. The Stillwater Humane Society runs off of donations and is a non-profit no-kill animal shelter. They do their best to place stray dogs and cats into loving homes. The best part of the Humane Stillwater Humane Society is the cat room. There, you can go and play with the cats that are up for adoption. They have feathers, bells, balls, scratching posts and any other cat toy you can think of to play with them. The Stillwater Humane Society wants these cats to be played with so they will be a loving part of someone’s home and used to being around people. They don’t want these cats to lie around all day in their cages.

Honestly, I love the cat room so much that I usually get more than my five hours in each semester. Although I have my cat at home, I love getting to go love on these cats and kittens for a couple hours at a time because I know they will one day be what my cat is to me to other people.

If you love cats (or even dogs, I’ll make an exception just this one time) please go down to the humane society and love on them and play with them. Here’s a glimpse of some of the little darlings you can find at the Stillwater Humane Society. If this doesn’t get your heart… you gotta be kitten me right meow.

Once upon a time, my Chi O family and I took a jaunt to a little restaurant in downtown Stillwater, Okla. named Tokyo Pot. If you have never been to Tokyo Pot, you must go. It will literally change your life. Anyway, we were enjoying a magical evening at Tokyo Pot when all of a sudden a cat walks up to our table! Most people would freak out and want their meal paid for… not us. Obviously, we welcomed this cat into our family with open arms. In fact, she is still in my family.

Please don’t judge. This is a judge-free zone. We might have stolen someone’s cat. Oops. Sorry we’re not sorry. Veronica was so happy with the Valero can of Fancy Feast we got for her. She was in Heaven. She became the most popular girl at the Sig Ep fraternity house. She was named the offical Chi Omega/Sigma Phi Epsilon homecoming cat. Seriously, what an honor. She got pretty close with the fraternity men… What a ho.

Once upon a few days later, I realized I already had a cat. Although my highest aspiration in life is to be a cat lady, I’m only 21 years old people… let me have my youth!! I came to the conclusion that one more cat would be the near death of any chance I ever had at getting married. I did the responsible thing and tried to find Veronica a home.

Here’s the part where Veronica became a boy. It was a Friday, so I loaded up the kitties to drive home to Moore, Okla. Not only does my dad live there but my grandparents who love me to a point of being a dangerously high level also do. I did the only thing any grandchild would do. I stopped by the Bootlegger Liquor Store on the way to my grandparents’ house and picked up a pint of Old Charter whiskey. I walked up to my grandparents’ house and gave my grandma an ultimatum. I said, “Boots (which is my grandma’s name), I have two surprises for you. But here’s the catch… if you keep one you have to keep the other.”  She didn’t have the chance to answer before she had popped open that bottle of whiskey and Veronica was already making herself at home.

My grandparents decided to re-name Veronica Adalee after a favorite aunt. I know, a little weird, but their old so it’s OK. A few days later, my grandpa took Adalee to the vet. To their surprise, she was not a she at all. Oops, my bad. In my defense, it’s hard to tell on cats!! Don’t judge. So, that’s the moment Adalee had the cheapest and least painful sex change known to man kind. He now lives happily ever after in Moore, Okla. with Boots and Pa, the grandparents who love me enough to take in a cat.

Dear world, meet Boots and Freddie (formerly Veronica, formerly Adalee). That cat is going to be screwed up mainly because I refuse to call him anything but Veronica… sometimes Veronico if he isn’t feeling very manly that day.

Some of you may think I have a problem, an obsession even. I object. It’s not an obsession, it’s a passion. Some of you may say, “You’re so weird, you are going to end up an old cat lady.” My response is, “Yes please!” While I am generally an unorganized and procrastinate-until-the-last-minute type of person, I am excellent at planning my future. Please don’t think my love of cats is an exception to this rule. My Little and I say this every day, “I don’t want children, I just need cats.”

If I have said it once, I will say it a million times… You better bet your sorostitute Ugg boots about this. We are preparing for our futures of being sublimely happy, community outcast cat ladies.

We meow. We purr. Sometimes we don’t even use words. At this point, words are unnecessary, believe me. We treat my cat as if she was our child, a more well-liked child than if she were actually one. If you don’t believe me, just look at this picture. It’s for real. You owe me a pair of Uggs, bitch. Whammy.

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